How Do I End Up in These Messes?: Reflections on a Teaching Moment
¶ 1 Leave a comment on paragraph 1 0 ***Disclaimer: I am playing around with form in this – visually switching from dialogue to description of the story to moments of reflection. The most likely case is the switching doesn’t always work. I do have ideas about different ways of visually displaying the components (possibly a multi-modal combination of text, images and video.)
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(All individuals have been masked by pseudonyms or job titles.)
ME: Welcome to ABC University…Yeah…it’s a great bunch of students…
Joan [new teacher]: What’s your experience been so far?
ME: I’ve had some great teaching moments. Just to warn you. Taher can be a bit direct sometimes. I encourage a lot of discussion in my classes and he’s not afraid to express his views. Not a problem though.
¶ 7 Leave a comment on paragraph 7 0 “Not a problem, though.” At least that’s how my memory recalls it. But that’s the problem with memory. It never is exact. It never tells the truth. It likes to completely blame or exonerate depending on our mood and the eventual consequences of our actions.
¶ 8 Leave a comment on paragraph 8 0 I started teaching multilingual students in an academic English as a Second Language (ESL) program at ABC University in Spring term of 2011. I had been teaching multilingual students overseas for years. I was elated I found university ESL work in the States only a few months after moving back home.
¶ 9 Leave a comment on paragraph 9 0 I started at 8:00 my first day. It was a beginning level listening course with eight students – all men, mostly married with children back home, and all from Arabic speaking countries. I had taught women before in the UAE and had particular experience teaching Japanese university students and European business professionals. This was the first time that I remember distinctly feeling white and female.
¶ 10 Leave a comment on paragraph 10 0 Every weekday from 8:00-8:55 I met with these men. We read and talked and laughed. I learned a lot about them and they learned a lot about me. We had some great discussions and occasionally moments of discomfort.
¶ 11 Leave a comment on paragraph 11 1 I always encourage a free and open exchange in my classroom. After traveling and teaching throughout the world, I was introduced to negative perceptions of America’s positions, policies, and philosophy. Returning to the States, I sought to be the person who would work to help change the policies that formed these perceptions. Someone had to be willing to dialogue about these types of uncomfortable issues. I welcomed open views, especially those that challenged what is perceived as traditional American values like patriotism and exceptionalism. In a discussion about culture shock, one student, Taher, was very direct about his negative opinion of his American experience. Other students, Raad and Mohammed, would tell him to be quiet, that his remarks were inappropriate when speaking to an American. I didn’t mind his direct style of communication.
I probably accepted Taher’s style because I am (or try to be) direct myself. Not with everyone in every situation, but with people I truly respect and care about. It’s a personal value I guess. Though no matter how hard I attempt to explain my caring intentions, they are often interpreted as rude and insensitive. I don’t believe most differences of perception can be accepted without dialogue, even that which involves more heated conversation. But that’s just me. That’s my value and my preference. Where do I draw the line in the classroom? Where is my responsibility to students to warn them of other ways of communicating?
¶ 13 Leave a comment on paragraph 13 0 So discussion ensued on this and other topics. I hadn’t really heard a beginning level class talk so much. Taher then asked me after class about how to ask an American girl out on a date. I didn’t know particularly how to take the question. The thought that he might be suggesting a date with me crossed my mind, but I made sure my tone and wording enforced the political incorrectness of those type of questions to certain individuals.
¶ 14 Leave a comment on paragraph 14 0 Summer session came and so did a new instructor. I introduced myself to Joan. We chatted about procedures. She asked about students and I told her those I had had experience with. I gave her some interesting information about some and shared ways that I had overcome any challenges with others. I mentioned Taher and his classroom directness, but reassured her that it was all part of classroom discussion and not to be put off, he meant no harm.
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Dear ESL Teachers,
Thank you all for your assistance to make the Halloween Party a success on Friday. The students really enjoyed it.
It is our hope that we can continue doing programs which highlight cultures, traditions, etc. We certainly know that you all assist with doing this through your daily lectures. Thank you.
The ISO would like to ask you for your support also for a Thanksgiving dinner. As in years past, some of you have assisted with cooking. We wanted to see if you would like to help again…
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Hi All,
We have done this in the past but before committing to anything, let us discuss this at our meeting.
Thanks,
My Boss
¶ 26 Leave a comment on paragraph 26 0 I’ve always had good rapport with students. Maybe it comes from my years as a youth leader. Though the hierarchy of teacher above student definitely exists, I always have attempted to diminish its influence, treating students as adults with valid and important viewpoints rather than children who had nothing of relevance to offer. Students feel comfortable with me and often express complaints about others. I never encourage bad mouthing of others, always asking students to try and understand the motivation for another’s action. I never “snitched” to My Boss, but encouraged students to talk to the program leadership about issues, assuring them those in leadership were reasonable people who wanted to give students a helpful program. I also said that if they tried multiple times to talk to leadership, it could be appropriate to go to the next level of administration if they truly felt their concerns weren’t being heard.
¶ 27 Leave a comment on paragraph 27 0 Fall semester arrived. I had a few of those same beginning students in my classes. One day a message arrived in my private email from a student. It was a petition – a detailed list of complaints about ABC University’s ESL program and particularly about the person in charge, My Boss. The petition was signed by a majority of students in the ESL program and it was to be delivered the next day to My Boss, her Dean, and the University President. The student asked me to read it and correct it. I told them I couldn’t have anything to do with it (though of course I really wanted to), but good luck. The next day My Boss came to my room during class and told me about the petition. I acted surprised. One of the leaders of the petition happened to be Taher.
Then we had a staff meeting (or another email I just can’t find) about not participating in the Thanksgiving dinner for the international students because of the petition. Really? REALLY? When in all this did the students become my enemies? I can understand how My Boss felt attacked. But she was in a position where her actions couldn’t be based on her personal hurt feelings. The students’ points were valid and worthy at least for consideration. How was “punishing” students going to solve anything?
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Raad: Taher’s in trouble.
ME: What do you mean?
Raad: He ran his mouth like he sometimes does. We tried to warn him. He might get kicked out of the program.
¶ 33 Leave a comment on paragraph 33 0 The situation was out of hand. The next days and weeks were a blur. Raad came to me when it hit the fan so I can’t exactly piece together what came first, but I think the next level of the situation started with a skirt. Taher felt morally uncomfortable with the short skirt another student was wearing who happened to be sitting directly across from him in a full class circle discussion. He mentioned this fact to the young women in his typically direct manner. Next thing I know he had been accused of not only harassing the short-skirted student, but Joan as well. He had been accused of following a different female student from the University, too.
I couldn’t believe the allegations. The Taher I knew wouldn’t do anything to hurt anyone. He had a very strong moral compass that appeared to guide his actions. Even with the slightly uncomfortable dating question, I never felt threatened – which was the latest accusation thrown around.
¶ 35 Leave a comment on paragraph 35 0 There were no criminal charges being pressed, but Taher had to go through the University court system. His English language skills were good, but not good enough to understanding the intricacies of legalese (but whose are). The Dean of Students sat down with him and tried to explain the seriousness of the matter. Taher said he understood. But he may not have. Once he had an idea in his head, it was difficult to change it.
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ME: Hello?
Lawyer: Hi, this is Taher’s lawyer. Will you be able to testify on behalf of Taher today at the University hearing?
ME: I’ll do the best I can to be there, but I’m teaching a class at that time.
Lawyer: That’s the kind of response you give your kid when you aren’t going to make his t-ball game.
¶ 41 Leave a comment on paragraph 41 0 I got a letter that looked like a subpoena. It requested my presence on behalf of Taher at the University hearing. I was conflicted. My Boss didn’t ever explain the Taher situation to the staff or give any heads up to possible staff responsibilities. I had never been involved in any type of legal procedure at all – not even jury duty. I inherited from my mother a type of anxiety when touching or looking at a legal document.
¶ 42 Leave a comment on paragraph 42 0 What would I say if I attended the hearing? On one side, I only knew my experience of Taher. Sure, he was direct. It was obvious that he hasn’t adjusted well to the extreme culture change between his home country and America. He was opinionated and wasn’t afraid to share those thoughts. Did he do all those things he was accused of? I have no idea. The accusations didn’t sit right with me. I felt I knew him to some degree. I could see how all the accusations could be the result of misunderstanding him because no one was willing to see the motivations behind his actions. The conspiracy theorist in me (as well as in other students) couldn’t shake the coincidence of his leadership with the petition and this event. I took the letter to the Dean of Students. He said that I could do whatever I wanted, but technically the subpoena-looking letter wasn’t any kind of legally binding document. I knew that whether he did what he was accused of or not, I didn’t want him to stand alone. No one should stand alone.
¶ 43 Leave a comment on paragraph 43 0 A majority of the ESL faculty was sitting together at lunch and I sat down with them. I told them about the letter and my desire to stand with Taher. It was a Catholic University after all, so no matter what the circumstances a person, especially one who is essentially alone in a new country, deserved NOT to be alone in this difficult situation. The idea wasn’t well received. I was clearly told that this was a “for us or against us” issue. If I wouldn’t speak in support of the teacher, then I should just stay out. My Boss let the other faculty speak for her, but the next semester was my last. I didn’t go to the hearing. In Spring, I was given a shitty schedule by all accounts and that was my last semester in the ESL department.
I was torn up about the whole situation. It consumed my thoughts and conversations. I loved my job (part-time as it was) and now I was going to lose it. Why couldn’t I just teach? How did I end up in this mess? I seem drawn to messes. Nobody likes the person who actually tries to empower students because God knows what will happen.
Raad: He’s officially done. He is going to prison until they can get him a flight back to Iraq. We really appreciate you trying to help him. We know it put you in a difficult situation.
ME: [crying]
¶ 47 Leave a comment on paragraph 47 1 I don’t know if I actually cried in front of Raad. I wish I could remember. But regardless, I’ve cried many times since. Did (Do) I do my students an injustice by letting them speak freely, but not warning them about “appropriate” speech in other contexts? Were my initial comments the impetus for Joan’s response to Taher? Did I fail by not going to that hearing? We can’t ever predict how one action will affect the string of actions that follow.
¶ 48 Leave a comment on paragraph 48 1 Failure abounds in this re-telling. I failed a colleague with a well-intentioned caution. Taher, at best, failed to temper his views in order to adapt to a society frightened by strong words from an Arab man or at worst, he failed by harassing women. My Boss failed to provide a program that met the academic needs of the students. ABC University systems failed to prevent such a situation from happening altogether.
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¶ 50 Leave a comment on paragraph 50 0 The structure of this story tried to reflect Sedgwick’s account in “A Dialogue on Love” and in some ways Bechel’s graphic style – I can see adding art and different structural components to break the text even more. The content speaks to the complexity of personhood, the contradiction found within our practical application of our personal values, and the failure we encounter with ourselves that has consequences for those around us. The description is an attempt to work out a life experience I still can’t quite make sense of or have all the answers for. The story continues to haunt me and in all honesty, I’m not sure I want it to stop. It helps me remember the person I want to become.
***Taher is ok today. He messaged me on Twitter just a month ago.
This last bit, the bit done in orange and what looks like italics, actually made me stop my reading and comment (which means I haven’t read anything yet). I can’t help but feel that it’s one of those issues that we’re always constantly worrying about as educators. We’re given this position of power and asked to exercise authority over people, yet at the end of the day, we’re people too, we’re also human. So at what point do we have to do something that’s objective and how can we always tell? Is it really the best way of doing things or is it the best way we think things should be done? It’s one of those things that niggles at the back of my mind whenever I consider the classroom, and I bet we’re not the only two thinking, wondering, and fearing about it.